Quick Guide to God

God is love, and watches over each and every human being on Earth to make sure he or she has a happy, successful life. This is kind of strange though, since the central doctrine of Christianity is that all humans must live a life dominated by guilt and fear and that they must pray forgiveness from God every day from creating them. Unfortunately, God's Earth-shattering powers of supreme might are easily thwarted by people not believing in Him, so He cannot make some people happy. He is best known for creating the universe, forgiving our sins, and deciding who wins the Super Bowl.
God has been known to use his Earth-shattering powers of supreme might in the past, in huge demonstrations of how much He loves each and every person. Some examples are documented carefully in the Bible. Examples include: Flooding the world, burning cities to the ground, and causing plagues, famine, and swarms of locusts to attack people.
In one of the earliest documented cases of Multiple Personality Disorder, God, although one single entity, is actually three different things at the same time. God is composed of The Father, The Holy Spirit, and The Son- or Jesus-. God was not always composed of Jesus however, He just decided one day to include Him, then send Him down to Earth to get around His own "wages of sin = death" rule, because God of course is not capable of breaking His OWN RULES, is he?
God likes people to worship and sing to Him. The best way to worship God is to pray for stuff you want. Asking for a new car, a new house, or for your ex-boyfriend to die are completely acceptable things to pray for. God hears all prayers and does His best to fulfill all of them; a bit like Santa at Christmas, just all year around, every day all day.
Because God is pure love, anybody, even good people, who don't believe in Him are forced into eternal suffering in Hell. However, evil selfish people can believe in God and get into Heaven because God loves them. God loves everybody equally, He even loves the people He has condemned to burn forever.
For more in-depth discussion of this subject, consult the Bible, which is the definitive authority on all things religious, as it was written by God Himself and directly given to us mere humans to treasure forever. Every word of it is literally true, without exception. He even translated the Bible for everybody in later years.
Note carefully that no human can ever know God's will. Except the Pope, because he has a mind-bogglingly cool hat. And a stick.